An insight into the Empty Nest Syndrome- A dilemma where parents stand on crossroads feeling lonely and alone. What should parents do when young children leave their home & fly their wings to make their dreams and aspirations come true?
“I am a MOM. My house is always loud and messy and that’s okay because one day it will be quiet, spotless and lonely.” At the age of 20 something Aria got a scholarship to study in a prestigious Ivy-league school. After all, all of her hard work paid off. She was about to embark on a new adventure which presented her an opportunity to learn, grow and progress personally and professionally. Her parents were elated.
Little did they know that this was a beginning of a huge dilemma! Not only their world was shaken post Aria’s departure but they sank deep in misery. Nothing felt good and all they could do was secretly (guiltily!) wish Aria to return home. In a nutshell, they suffered from what is known as an ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’.
About the Syndrome
Empty Nest Syndrome is a term that has gained immense popularity in our society. It is recognized with profound sense of grief. Psychologists define this syndrome as a feeling of loneliness and misery parents feel when their children leave home for the first time to live on their own, do jobs or acquire higher education. This is identified as a psychological condition and not a clinical one.
The term makes us imagine an empty nest and sad parents waiting for their wards to return home. It is not that they do not want their children to go places and explore all the avenues. However, they are unable to cope up with their absence. Psychological or not, this condition is spreading like a wild forest-fire as more and more couples, especially the urban couples have their children leaving their abode to move out in different cities or even countries for higher education and better job prospects. Although, it is commonly identified with profound grief, several other elements make this syndrome critical such as a sense of loss, uncertainty and fear of change that parents harbour in their minds. Other factors such as aging of parents, retirement, financial worries and menopause add to it as well.
There has always been a negative portrayal of this syndrome even if it should be dealt with understanding and calm. Both men and women suffer from this syndrome albeit women are more likely to be the victims due to their feminine and nurturing characteristics. The conventional theory suggests that the mothers are more exposed to misery because they no longer have their kids to cook, clean and care for. Such activities were an elixir to their long empty days. Suzanne Feiler, a therapist specializing in women’s issues at Insights Collaborative Therapy Group in Dallas, says, “I think it’s important for the empty nester to be intentional about the way she thinks about this new chapter in her life. Mindfully choosing a positive framework through which to understand and enjoy this radically new passage in your story is a powerful graduation gift to give yourself. You’ve completed a truly difficult task eighteen years in the making, so go ahead and allow yourself to feel the accomplishment.”
Deveina Singh, a psychologist and child therapist, after an intensive research on behaviour of women during their children’s visit says that women literally enjoyed pampering their kids and allowed them things that she forbade earlier. She loved cleaning up the mess her kids created, went out of her way to feed them.
Impact of the Empty Nest
Middle age is a tricky age for parents. With lots of emotional and physical burdens, parents are engulfed in a deep sense of unpreparedness. This does impact them heavily:
1. Loss of Identity
2. Guilt
3. Sense of loneliness
4. Fear of unpreparedness
5. Financial concerns
6. Depression
7. Siblings are affected in some way or the other
8. Fear of seeking professional help 9. Confusion regarding shifting roles
Panacea
Parents are supposed to understand the importance of let go. Though it is initially difficult, time heals the wounds. Bharti H, a mother of a teenage daughter says,” I had a difficult time after my daughter went. But time healed all. I soon found solace in the company of my friends who were facing similar issues and took up many hobbies. Somewhere deep inside, I was happy that she was in a prestigious institute doing what she loved.”
Ways to cope up with the emptiness
Here are the ways to cope up with the emptiness:
1. If the situation gets out of hand, do not shy away from seeking professional help.
2. Find different hobbies and activities to indulge.
3. Socialise with different types of people
4. Feel happy to give freedom to children to design their own lives
5. Be positive
6. Work on marriage
7. Pamper yourself Ironical
Trends: Due to problems like high unemployment in India, US and several parts of the world, the young adults are returning back to their parent’s abode. This is contrasting the issue in so many different ways as it is frowned upon in many places. In 2008, a survey was conducted which found that around 19 million youths were living with their parents. While it was also seen that kids dependant on parents brought financial burden on parents, became their primary priorities thus increasing burden on chores on mothers.
Winds of Change: Change is constant. So is the love of parents. This time, their love gives more freedom to their children to choose their own lives and live independently. With changing times, parents have become resilient to the syndrome and understand the importance of letting the go. They find an empty house liberating. Parents have a new opportunity to start afresh, bond with each other in a better manner, rekindle their love for new hobbies and interests and pursue them. They can have their own sweet world for their own activities. This will always be coupled with a deep satisfaction that their children are treading on their own path and exploring life. After all, a parent should always give two things to his child: Wings to fly and roots to return to…